Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Bullied as an Adult

Crazy day today. I am on the verge of tears over my job, daily. I think this might be the definition of a midlife crisis? I am not sure. I have felt very sad since I started PBMS, really. But, after 11 years, I am giving up. I was so amazed with my university studies in Classics and ancient history. My love affair with the Greeks has caused me to wonder over and over again if I could have been successful as a professor. Yet, after my experience in Istanbul, I was humbled to realize a professor has a special something that I do not possess. So, this is why I thought teaching 6th grade would be terrific. I could teach about ancient history, specifically my Greeks, to kids instead of university students.

Anyway, my timing has just been off! After being hired to teach 7th grade at PBMS, my friend from college got hired at my school and chanced right into 6th grade. So, I stuck around hoping there'd be an opening for me, too. In the meantime, 6th grade teachers got to go to camp, and have common prep, and bond in ways that 7th and 8th grade teachers couldn't be part of. This was disappointing, too, as I was only 28, newly married, and longed for a fun atmosphere at work. I had this at Gompers, and it was really effortless. Gompers had a camaraderie that PBMS has never had. I am sure many here would disagree with me, but when you are excluded from the activities, it is a different feeling. Now, 11 years later, PBMS has almost taken my 30's.

This year, however, is just really hard to stomach. I got good at teaching 7th grade, I know that, and now I am punished for it. Last year, the tide of the events that caused my friend to be excessed benefitted me by giving me the best schedule I'd ever had: three periods of 6th grade and 2 of 7th including 3 GATE classes. Then, this year hit--3 preps: 6th grade English, 6th grade SS, and 3 periods of 7th grade social studies (3 different levels). Along with my admin program, I burst into tears over this challenge. But, growing progressively harder every day, is looking the teacher in the face who came to our campus 5 years ago as a part time employee and has swooped in to take everything I worked so hard to gain. On top of hit, she has the audacity to try and make it seem difficult because she's teaching seminar. Really. Why not just poor salt in my wounds, directly! Then, a staff member's wife posts a picture up on facebook of a party they hosted with everyone at school--and I was not even thought about. For 11 years I've been excluded from the social life at PBMS, I've been excluded from teaching what I dreamed about teaching since I was 20, and I'm just devastated. I just want to run away and take my family to Greece.

Anyway, the children and the admin program are my saving grace. I have really terrific children this year. I think they are so neat and a pleasure to teach, so even though I am so stretched thin, they are such little delights. Even though I'm bitter and hurt about my plight at work, they make it better. Then, we went to a bullying assembly this morning. There was a discussion that led to the point that exclusion is bullying. This is when it hit me: I have been bullied at work. Left out of fulfilling my passions, punished because I am good at what I do, left alone on an island. I just have to leave PBMS before I hit 40. I can't let PBMS take my entire 30s.

The last thing that ended my day, is this wonderful admin program that I really want to quit. I know, sounds funny. The daunting work makes me want to quit. However, the wonderful people in the program, the exceptional learning happening in the program, the inspirational leadership--I wish I had the opportunity to work for a principal who has been through this program. Oh, wait, I did have that chance, but we hired another guy. That's okay, both will end up fine. I, however, need to move on. Please, Lord, let an opportunity come my way soon!